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My ex and I’ve a 13-year-old daughter. We by no means married. After we broke up 9 years in the past (partially due to his consuming), he left the nation. I by no means utilized for sole custody. We agreed our daughter would dwell with me, and he by no means paid for something. He moved again lately and has been having dinner along with her as soon as per week. She’s getting used to having him in her life. The problem: Twice, he has turned up drunk. Most lately, he arrived very late — with out responding to her many texts — and was sick in entrance of her. After I requested him to depart, we argued, and that upset my daughter so much. (He denies he has a consuming downside; usually, he denies he’s been consuming in any respect.) How can I assist my daughter navigate this relationship?
MOM
I share your concern to your daughter. It’s actually necessary that she not trip in a automotive with a driver who has been consuming, or be left alone with somebody who is simply too impaired to take care of her. Begin drumming that into her head now! And it’s unfair to ask her — at 13 — to police grownup habits. (No “name me if he appears odd.”) She is simply too younger for that, and it might be laborious for her to rat out her father. Inform your ex that his visits should happen in your house.
Now, in lots of states, when an single girl provides delivery, she robotically turns into the only guardian of the kid till a court docket guidelines in any other case. Verify the legal guidelines in your state. Maybe no additional motion is required of you, however whether it is, petition to change into your daughter’s sole authorized guardian now to make sure the primacy of your choices.
The toughest a part of this story could also be your ex’s dishonesty about his consuming. It makes him an unreliable dad or mum — which can be upsetting to your daughter and prevents you from trusting him. Encourage her to speak about this or, higher but, discover her a teen chapter of Al-Anon in your space. If she goes to have an issue drinker in her life, give her the instruments to deal with it.
When Chopping a Visitor Record, Don’t Use a Scalpel
My fiancée and I are planning our marriage ceremony. (It’s my second marriage, her first.) We’ve made an preliminary visitor listing of 60 associates and kinfolk. We would like an intimate gathering that features all of the people who find themselves necessary to us. Our query: Can we get rid of plus ones after we are associates with solely half of a pair (whether or not married or in relationships)?
GROOM-TO-BE
I may see getting away with a plan that breaks with custom and eliminates plus ones with whom you aren’t shut in case your visitor listing topped out at a dozen. Individuals would get that it’s a really small, personalised visitor listing — although I guess you’d nonetheless upset among the excluded spouses and important others. You aren’t saying that you simply don’t know them, solely that they don’t fee. (Ouch!)
However a celebration of 60 is hardly intimate, even when it’s smaller than many within the wedding-industrial complicated. It’s too many individuals, I believe, to let some company deliver companions and to refuse others. Your company will examine notes, and their emotions could also be harm. Nonetheless, it’s your marriage ceremony: You may invite whomever you want. However I’d hate for a surgical visitor listing to outshine your joyful day.
The Different Lady within the Group Chat
My husband and I’ve been collectively for 11 years. He’s very shut together with his associates and a part of a number of massive group-text chains. One of many threads features a girl with whom he attached a number of occasions lengthy earlier than we met. They by no means dated or something. Nonetheless, it bothers me that I’ve to listen to from her on these chats. Am I being unreasonable?
WIFE
If I perceive you appropriately, you aren’t mistrustful of your husband or suspicious of his good friend. And correctly, I believe, you aren’t asking him to depart a chat of associates just because he attached with one in every of them lengthy earlier than you met.
That leaves three choices for dealing with your emotions: Depart the chat. (They’re your husband’s associates, you say.) Mute the girl, when you want to stay. Or study to place up with gentle annoyance like everybody else on the planet.
A Case of Buzzer’s Regret
After years of combating thinning hair and a receding hairline, I made a decision to shave my head clear. I believed it could give me a lift of self-confidence. As quickly because the barber started shaving me, although, I regretted my choice. I’ve acquired optimistic suggestions on my bald look, however I concern it’s too drastic. So, I’ve been sporting hats. Ought to I develop out my hair or follow my new look?
YOUNG MAN
Take it simple on your self! Almost everyone seems to be self-conscious about one thing, and feeling ambivalent after a giant change is pure. I do not know how it is best to fashion your hair. However I requested my wonderful barber, who informed me your impulse to go brief was sensible, however you might have been overzealous in reducing all of it off. Let your hair develop again to half an inch in size. That may draw much less consideration and keep away from wanting excessive.
For assist together with your awkward state of affairs, ship a query to SocialQ@nytimes.com, to Philip Galanes on Fb or @SocialQPhilip on Twitter.
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